A Strange Thing About Mercury Poisoning
Sometimes you feel like the sky is falling.
Do you know why Alice’s Hatter was mad? It’s the Mercury vapors they used to use to shape hats. The official term is Erethism, or erethismus mercurialis.
Erethism is characterized by behavioral changes such as irritability, low self-confidence, depression, apathy, shyness and timidity, and in some extreme cases with prolonged exposure to mercury vapors, by delirium, personality changes and memory loss. People with erethism often have difficulty with social interactions. Associated physical problems may include a decrease in physical strength, headaches, general pain, and tremors, as well as an irregular heartbeat.
I have it. I have Mercury poisoning, Mad Hatter’s Disease, erethismus mercurialis (in Latin it at least sounds sexy).
I have years of chelating ahead of me to remove it properly. Too fast and you risk harm that cannot be undone. Marathon, not a sprint.
I did two rounds of chelation back to back this year, burned my adrenals out. I’d been doing so good, I forgot that was even a thing. Oopsies?!
Adrenal fatigue is worse than the Mercury, I think.
I’ve been trying to sooth myself for two weeks. Every time I think, “I’ve got it now!” I wake up again in a sweaty panic like it’s time to outrun polar bears, naked.
Woof.
I feel like vomiting again.
I haven't done it, not yet.
But my stomach is at the ready, just say when!Been like this since midnight, and 3am, and 5:28, and since I finally gave in and started the day.
A caged animal probably feels less fear.
I want to cry, I want to run, instead I drink wildflower tea with theanine and soak, again, in the bathtub.
Keep calm. Keep on.
Even the meditative music is too strong.
Knowing it's just chemicals imbalances doesn't ease the sting. Doesn't make navigating it easy.
"It'll pass, it's not permanent," I keep repeating.
At least the delirium of Mercury can be playful.
Adrenals are like reacting to a major car crash 24/7, 365. Everything becomes doom and gloom, isolation seems preferable but you also feel like being alone is the greatest punishment the Universe could hand you. There is no winning at this game, just patience.
I’ve been calling everyone I’m close to, and crying on the phone. Or sending voice messages in DMs, also crying under the guise of “I’m so alone!”
I become convinced that everything in my life is amiss. My job, my relationships, the place I live. Oh bother, what’s the point, as if I’m channeling Winnie the Pooh.
There are some experiences a person cannot fully understand, no matter how well described. I’m okay with that, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
But each time I go through another blow to my Adrenals and Chicken-Little my way through nursing them back to health, I wonder at how many other mad, mad people are suffering the same without realizing.
Around noon today, my stomach began to settle. I ate a little ground beef and tomato. Then I pulled out my drawing supplies, and started a new project. Things are going to be okay, I’m going to successfully sleep in my bed. I have candles lit and my brain cannot be bothered to find a single thing to dread.
Despite what feels like a set-back, I’m convinced I’m going to fully recover.
It’ll be 28F overnight tonight, in the desert.
