Remind Me In The Morning to Tell You About Darrell
Sometimes a touch of insomnia isn't as bad as it sounds.
I can’t sleep. For now.
In that past that might have terrified me. So sleep deprived, so sleep tired.
Now, I live a calm life. An easy life.
I laid in bed tonight, looking through half-closed eyelids, at worlds that exist somewhere else. Maybe leagues away, maybe in another dimension. Who cares either way?
I laid in bed, imagining words I might one day say. A nice change from all the times I imagined words I wish I’d taken the time to say.
And in the pauses between wondering why I couldn’t sleep, I woke up with a start and racing heart.
“What happened?” I think. Which reality am I now in?
I’d had a dream, an old ex came back to visit me. He was two people I’ve know, a chimera. The longer I live the more I see chimera’s in us all. We’re never just ourselves, or just someone else.
We walked through a garden with a pond and a stream running through it. We made some paltry future plans. I started wrapping my hands for boxing, just the way he showed me how to when we were dating way back when. Like a real pro fighter, just like him.
And someone starts banging at my door. A great big man, angry, shouting for his daughter. Shouting my exes’ name. And I end up having to be the one to de-escalate.
I wake up and wonder. I wake up and laugh. Fucking Darrell. I wake up and lay comatose for a bit, imagining what my perfect panic room might look like. Imagine how close and cozy it might feel. I might just curl up in it for fun, without panic fuel.
“Remind me to tell you about Darrell in the morning,” I text my best friend.
I try to go back to sleep, but for right now, it’s futile.
So I sneak downstairs and eat a small snack of whipped honey, dipped in sea salt.
Give Millie all the kisses and snuggles.
Sneak back upstairs with my laptop.
Do a bit of work.
Answer a few emails.
Get reminded that the Universe is conspiring in my favor, there are wins all around me. Everytime I turn my head, I receive another blessing; no need to yearn.
I think now, I’m ready for sleep to return.
I think now, I’m ready to learn.
