I grew up stacking wood.
On a horse farm. You didn’t always do horse chores. Sometimes you stacked wood for the owner’s ski chalet, to keep the winters warm.
You found ways to be useful when you had a minute of free time. If you didn’t, you weren’t invited to stay long. No free rides. You’d get stuck with the old nag that could barely hobble. You were too young to ask why they were riding lame horses to begin with. You’re just a horse crazy kid emulating the adults.
My toes are brown with dirt. It’s been a long time.
I keep paying the same fees and still can’t get the damned month to arrive.
Alice’s rabbit hole was bigger than a monk.
Red lights and bug bites. I moved the firewood and found a snake’s old overbite. If snakes had wings, I found six of these.
Only one old widow looked at me sideways. Hugging and holding her egg sac tight. I didn’t want to kill Joe, but she had to go.
Even if two people don’t want to hurt each other, their unspoken distrust can mean letting one of you go.
I remember again and again, oh that’s right -- that’s life, and lakes, and sin.
I hope the snakes like the new home I built for them.
Listen to this on repeat. Minced, mince meat.
You could say I’ve been busy. Buzzy little bee.
Now, if only I could find me a damned banana tree!
Lord Lazarus didn’t understand my reference. I’m ready to rise from a death buried underneath what everyone says is heaven’s chest.
Sorry I haven’t been around much.
I put my phone down and forgot to be concerned about it.
Forgot to worry about the plagues in every part of the world.
I set my phone down, and wandered around.
Started looking at things as if I were an alien. As if I’d never seen them before, and oh my goodness what glorious things they are!
The way a line of ants will find, assess, and deconstruct an entire lizard who fell to his demise less than an hour ago. Remove him to their hidey-hole in a matter of hours. The incredible ways the earth recycles things.
I walked into a part of my neighborhood I’d never seen before, and it felt like falling down the rabbit hole dressed up as Alice’s fool.
I spent a whole night waking up between fits of sleep to find a voice I didn’t know existed — sing little songs about everything and nothing. In a language that only makes sense to me, and I’m sure my neighbors all think I’m crazy.
There was a salamander I needed to draw.
And Millie got 3 baths in two days, her and I sitting on the floor of the shower having a conversation about life and things.
I forgot to catch up on the latest internet dramas.
I spent a few hours collecting passion fruits and extricating their guts to freeze in little freezer bags and eat some other day.
I cooked bacon and chopped it into pieces, then layered it in a few sticks of melted butter, tucked in the fridge to harden. The best snack I’ve ever enjoyed on the ho-hum kinds of days.
I moved the giant canvasses into my house. I’ll spend weeks dancing around them until I can decifer what it is that they want. Witchy-woo woo, or black magic?
I ate an ice cream cone while it melted down my hand. The best version of a kid I’ve ever been.
There are frames I need to frame, and frames I need to paint. Menial chores, and I can’t wait.
I guess I really am a farm girl at heart. I guess I really am a girl at heart. I guess I really am. What a clever little heart.
I forgot to compare myself to people who’ve only ever hated themselves. I forgot to ask someone, is this the right way? I forgot to avoid ever being lost, or doing it the hard way. Not always knowing which way is north, or instantly answering a question I have that probably wasn’t that important anyways.
I woke up to Millie fast asleep next to me, finally. Like Dora always was, curled into my side. Hair a mess.
I let myself dream about packing up the car and going for a really long drive with no particular destination in mind. I let myself dream about the person I’m becoming. I let myself dream the big scary things.
My god, what an incredible two days it’s been.
Lost my phone. Found myself.
Still not sure which one was more lost